friends

I do and react with people around me almost the same way I will love them to do to me. That's why I wish I can 

be my friend, Not that I'm a great or anything, But I will understand me the most.

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I - Me

Sometime I look at myself and wish if I can divide her into two ,me and I .
So then, I can beat me sooo freaking hard till I can finally stop me from hurting myself .

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I wish I can stop wondering and worrying about whether I made the right choice or not .
And wish If they talk to clarify this blur picture in my head .


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مشتهية

مشتهية شيء بس أبي أضمن أول أن سويت خير و ضمنت مستقبلي هناك قبل اسويه ....


مشتهية أموت ..

يااارب إذا صلح عملي وماكان وراه الا مفسدة له خذني يااارب و اختم لي خاتمة صالحة واجعلي قبري روضة من رياضك و امني يوم الفزع الاكبر واجعل الجنة قراري يارب


ادعي واقول هاكلام مع اني أدري ان الناس اللي زيي المفروض ماتقول ... يااارب اغفرلي و اجرني من النار على عملي و سوء افعالي
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اللهم لا تجعلنا من المحرومين

راحت الست ولا أمداني عليها

راح عرفة ولا قدرت أصومه

وهذا عاشوراء جاي واحتمال ماألحق علي



أدري ذنوبي مانعتني من هالخير فيااااااارب لاتجعلني من المحرومين ياااااااارب
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تكفى دعوة

اذا وصلت لهنا تكفى ادعيلي بالصلاح والهداية ..
و إن كاني قد مت فبالرحمة و الغفران

صاحبك كبلته الذنوب وماخوفه من الموت إلا من خوفه من الحساب

دعوة في ظهر الغيب من القلب


اذكر الله و صل على النبي
ولا تستخسر فيني أجر .. تكفى


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الكتاب

سألت عن أكثر الكتب تأثيرا في حياتي فأجبت

ليس صنفا واحد ما بنى جسمي وشكله
بل كل ما يدخل فاهي له دوره و تأثيره في الخفاء ..حتى أتى يوما غدا جسمي كما هو عليه .. ليس من صنف واحد بل من تجمع الاصناف
الكتاب في حياتي كالطعام
وقرآني هو الماء ، هو ما جعل فيني حياة

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That sound again

I've heard the sound of the keys that will let that trapped voice out
Its getting closer and closer

Today , the holder of the key entered the castle . He want to look for that door . Will the gurds let him in .

I know he is the one who can open it I know he is the to free it .
But does he know .. Does he want to .. Most imprtnanly now .. Will they let him in ?
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I miss my sister

When am I gonna get over the fact that my sister got married and she no longer lives with us and I no longer can "let it out " to someone
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D: Keep it to yourself

Today I made a decision that I hope to stick to ..

keep my feeling to myself .

I've always done that but only in real life .. When it comes to online-life I've become very exposed ..

Be nice..
Be honest..
But don't share your feelings that People always interrupt it wrong ..

Please do that .. I don't want feel crappy anymore
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Re:when I respect me ?

وكنت إذا الصديقة أراد غيضي
ورجعني على ظمأ بريقي

غفرت عيوبه وكتمت غيضي
مخافة أن اعيش بلا (ذاك) الصديق
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When I respect me

That was my chance to stand up for myself and tell them to stop it , to tell them I'm not stupid or naïve .

I know I have all the rights .. I know I shouldn't hastiest thinking that I could be wrong ..

I had the chance I had the power ..but I didn't .

I was too afraid of what will happen next .. I couldn't stand losing them even if I remain their slave ..

I held myself and told her .. Let's not do it this time ..one day they will understand ...

She looked at me with disguise look and said .. ( When are you can stop humiliating us for those who are not worth it )

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am I losing them ?

I'm I gonna lose them all in one year ? !

I know I've always dreamed about them going to the happily ever after .. But at once !

Am not being a drama queen here or anything but it is just so strange and scary !
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قبلة منها على وجنتي

و دعاء صادق من لسانها ( الله يكملك بعقلك )

تسوى دنيتي ومافيها

ياااارب برهم مطلبي يااارب

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وحيد

كلما أحسست بوحشة و فقدت ذلك الحس الأليف و كأن الهم في قلبي ظلمة تحيطني ألقيت جسدي على فراشي
و اغرقت رأسي في وسادتي وناديت ... يارب مالي سواك
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_

I'm cursed ..

Tears are my curse ..
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ينادي فؤادي

..يااارب كن معي ..

Another dimension

I want to go to a another dimension
Where I don't need to react to anything or have any emotions toward anything .. I jst sit there and observe without even having to listen ..

I don't want to live there for ever .. But I want to have it as hideout..for days like this .
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Instants feelings

I'm feeling down .. don't wanna see anybody ..Too tired to even react to anything .. Wanna cry .. Feeling so loaded with many unknown things

My problem is I can't even think of a reasonable purpose for all of that
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His silent treatment

I hate it when he gives me the silence treatment ..
When ever I miss up with him , ignore him or treat him badly, he stays and act as if he is really enjoying it or at least fine with it .
But later when we are alone .. He gives me the silence treatment .. He will stand still not saying anything look at me with an (expressionless )face as if he is waiting for me to say something . It feels horrible really ! I can hardly breath , too much pressure that it feels like my head will explode and my feet can't hold me anymore .
I even reach a stage where I scream ( JST SAY ANYTHING EVEN JST A WARD !!! )

But I guess this is his way to show me his boundaries ... And to teach me to appreciate it every word from him .



By the way did I mention that when i said him am referring to my intestine .. ^^

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Cry it out

It feels so good when u let it out
It feels even better when u cry it out

Nothing feels better than laying on my side on my bed closing my eyes and cry it out , open my heart and let the prayers fly out .. So worm .. So honest .. So needy

أشكو إلى الله الكروب .. و ادمعي حرى سكوب ..
ياااارب كن معي
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Why u ? =(

Anyone else but her !
She should've known better !

I've always had that relative who I tell most of my secrets and fantasies but one day she became a part of that secret ! So who should I go back to now ?!

I'm so lost , confused, angry and sad ! Coz am in situation a girl shouldn't ve be put through .

Why did you become part of the puzzle when u should be the one who  solve it .

You should've know better . There are things are not meant to be said. And stuff I will never blame you for hiding it from me although it is about me . Because I know certain things are better be unknown . I would rather be shocked and surprised ! Than having to carry all this waiting weight on my shoulder with my hand and legs tight ..

And now I wait .. But u should've known better
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Happy feelings

When I suddenly write ( I love u ) don't be surprised or suspicious . I just like to express my happy feelings out loud . It is my way of appreciating them ♥
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I just can't trust her

I just want to know when can I start trusting her words

When can I take her promises for sure and not (almost knowing) that she is gonna change her words at the very last minute leaving me alone behind to cover up and suffer the consequences

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A disappointment

It is hard to be a CS student in my family . I don't mean academically but it is the expectations from others .
Especially if you have a dad like me.
He always think that by now I should know how to build a computer , fix a hardware and program software . Look maybe a should but that will be a personal effort ! He just can't understand that they don't teach us these stuff !! Just because it is computer science doesn't mean I should know it all !!
What brought this up is that today I show him a small clip I made with stykz ! I did it in 2 days only I
didn't have software that will made easier ! I know it was raw and wasn't detailed as it should be but at that point I was focusing in making it . When he saw it he was so cold and parlay smiled I tried to explain how difficult it was he nodded his head and made some comment to make me falsely think he is amazed or something . But then he made so clear to me when he said ( shouldn't you by now know how to program such a software !!!!!!!!! )
I mean dad ! Seriously !! What do you think I'm !

I'm not blaming him or anything he is really a great father and always have been supportive but I just hate that no matter how I did it is really hard for me to feel special .

With teary eyes , I just made a decision .. Stop being a stupid and show people whatever you do .. Keep it to yourself .. I shouldn't try to impress anyone but me .
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My Love .. My Bed

 My love  is always there for me whether

 I want a shoulder to cry on ,

an ear to complain to ,

or a lap to sleep in

Day or Night

Happiness , Sadness

Smiles or Tears

I'm always welcome .And  he is always there

.
I'm so in love with my bed that I start to think of it as a person !

He is always there for my whether I want a shoulder to cry on , an ear to complain to , or a lap to sleep in
.
.
I'm so in love with my bed that I start to think of it as a person !

A Voice

Something is knocking in my heart... It has been a long time since I've heard this sound ..the same gentle polite and innocent hand .. Knock ..knock
But it gets louder .. Louder ..as if 'it ' getting impatient and want to get it out
...
I guess I handle it very well just did as I did years ago ... I raise the volume of the other voices so it voice got faded slowly .. Until I can no longer hear it ...
But I always know
It still there
It still has hope
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Try

This post is just a try to see whether the (email blog) works or not ^^
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مرحبا في عالمي Welcome in my world

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله

رسالة تحذير قبل البدء :

وصولك عند هذه النقطة تعني أنك بعيد جدا عن أقرب مركز واقعي , إن أردت العودة فهذا هو الوقت المناسب .

لست مسئولة عن  أي  ضياع عقلاني أو أي تعدي للقوانين البشرية .

هنا .. أنا أحكم

Warning before Starting :

If you reach this point , it means you are very Far from the nearst realistic center . If you want to go back , this is the right time .

I'm not responsible for any rational mislay or any violate to the

human rules .

In here , I rule

The Dreamer .